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Open Minded Party Scene and Me

My last destination for my Europian Holiday was Berlin, Germany. While Switzerland had it’s own intention, Berlin for me was to experience the so called “Open Minded Party Scene”. Of course the primary intention that supercedes all other intentions is:

I choose to continue to Learn and Grow, while sharing what I learn with others through the means I know.

So here I am sharing some of my experiences and my perception of those experiences.

The Grand Arrival in Berlin

I was so happy.

I am in Berlin!!! It was in my mind to do for a long time. Here I am!!

I was smiling to myself and very happy. Also to be in the land Ekhart Tolle, my best guru in this life form, comes from is Germany. So I was super excited.

It was getting close to 3pm though, and doing any tours after 8+ hours on trains were off the cards.

Lets just let your hair down, and party, you wanted to experience it. C’mon, history and stuff can wait.

My inner voice was saying.

The Night Unfolds

So I decided to take a break. 20 days I was relatively a good boy, and I had written so much, I felt like a break.

So I try to locate the near by venues that are “My Kind of Venue”.

First Bar I went to was around the corner from my hotel. Had the rainbow flag flying high. It screamed of acceptance.

Staff was friendly, but not many felt friendly. I tried to talk to the guy next to me, and he said he doesn’t speak English.

And there was this vibe, an undercurrent. Everyone was looking at each other, and looking at me and smiling. I didn’t know how to read it. But I didn’t feel comfortable. So had my drink relatively quickly and left.

Of course across the road was another venue, which was closer to what I waned to experience.

Staff was friendly, venue was very small, but cool. I managed to talk to people and have some “fun”. Again little while later, I was at the bar, kinda in my world. Once again, same feeling. I felt the same people who spoke to me, were now clicky. Maybe it was language difficulties. But, it didn’t feel right.

I started talking to people on my infamous apps. And ended up going out to meet someone who is visiting from Spain.

He was extremely nice, hospitable, friendly… But we didn’t really click, and he was very polite about it.

Then I decided to go to this venue that was recommended by an Australian friend, who knew what I was looking for.

I got to the venue in an Uber. Once I got off, it was really difficult to find the place. None of the raving reviews helped.

Fortunately there was another who was looking for the same place, in this dark corner of the world. So, I didn’t feel alone. But now we were lost together. Then another confident soul appeared. He knew the place and asked us to follow. Wonderful guy from New York who has been living here for a while. He helped me with all my requirements and told me where to go, how to enter, and the entire process.

A while later an intoxicated self was surrounded by about 500 other intoxicated hormone driven self’s. This self felt excited, but scared. The low self worth was screaming in one ear, while the excitement and desire screaming in the other. An ego battle started in my head.

At one point I recall being overwhelmed and overpoured with desire and physical bliss. But, at the same time I have now gone into a zone where I wasn’t too aware or concious. What ever I get upto, what ever I do, that is when I do not like it. Even if I am enjoying, I want to enjoy it fully. I couldn’t pay attention. I was distracted. And I was definitely far from present.

I don’t know what I looked like from the outside. But from that point onwards, all I observed was rejection and thoughts and experiences that re-validated low self worth through calling myself undesirable.

Of course there were few people who showed me love and concern:

Are you ok? Would you like some water? You look dehydrated.

But, I didn’t want that did I?

I clearly wanted to re-enforce my beliefs maybe, I kept attracting these other experiences. And that clickyness and smiles were louder and in my face.

I felt like shit. It reminded me of such a party that I went to in Melbourne back in 2013. Part of me was blaming myself for getting myself into this.

Staff was friendly throughout my time there. I left when the party was done.

But, I didn’t give up, I walked 1.5hours back to the hotel, and dropped in to the second venue. I met some good people there. But I was over a lot of it.

I was thinking about my former lover who recommended me of such a venue in Zürich, and clearly he felt good there. He doesn’t love me anymore and he chose his life to be that. And half of me continued to make stories, and other half was like

Shut up Nim!

I was outside in the bar alone with the bartender, one of the people I met inside came out and asked.

Are you ok? Come inside and join us. Everyone is resting and chatting.

He gave me a long hug, and I returned an even longer one.

I don’t mind feeling lonely at home when I’m alone. Or even when I am close to home. I hate it when I feel lonely when I’m surrounded by people. I couldn’t wait for my flight back home.

This was the first time I felt it during my holidays. But this was also the first time I put myself out there in this kind of setup.

I walked back to my hotel questioning my life, my worth, my desirability, my former lover, and my everything.

I slept the entire day Friday.

The first full day in Berlin, I slept.

So this is what I had planned for the last 4 days to recover from potential loss. The loss had happened, I had somewhat recovered, but I put myself down again.

What was I thinking?

Mum called in the evening, as she hadn’t heard from me. I told her the story.

Maybe I should have listened to her. All she asked me was:

Don’t do anything crazy when you are in those countries. Do what ever you like when you are home, in Australia.

I said to her that I can’t promise that in Berlin.

I guess I learnt again.

Expectations are weird.

Most times you don’t meet them. Sometimes God gives you more, sometimes less.

Either way, it is with good intentions, I like to believe.

Had I liked it, I would have spent my entire time in Berlin partying. But now, I didn’t want to put myself in that situation again. Not here. When I’m home, I can manage. Not when I’m so far away, and not knowing anyone.

All in all, it worked out well. My Saturday was great. Await my next blog.

– Nim –

The Pain that took my Breath Away

While holidaying in Switzerland, and a day in France, I went to a fair few museums, churches, and old buildings, where I got to see a lot of arts and crafts. Every painting was unique.

But one specific painting took my breath away, as it captured so much emotion.

I saw it, then I walked past, then I went back to see it again, and again, and again… It was stunning and captured so much emotion.

This painting, Cyparissus is by an artist named Jacopo Vignali, who coincidentally was born on a day like today, 5th September 1592.

427 years or 155,948 days later, here I am sitting on a train headed from Frankfurt to Berlin in Germany, finally writing what I felt when I saw his expression.

Can’t take my eyes off yours

His eyes speak a million emotions. I felt as if I got sucked into a void, only to be further pulled into a world that existed, but continues to exist in his mind where his memories of him and his best friend’s adventures are still alive. Behind these eyes, a movie being played, a movie that he never will get to see again.

He is captured with intense sadness, but the eyes also show shock, helplessness, and cessation.

Behind the teary eyes, the little boy looks deep into the meaning of life.

The Birth of Pain when it’s “Mine”

According to Wikipedia, Cyparissus was a boy beloved by Apollo, or in some versions by other deities. In the best-known version of the story, the favorite companion of Cyparissus was a tamed stag, which he accidentally killed with his hunting javelin as it lay sleeping in the woods.

If it was any other Stag, I would be happy.

But,

when it became my Stag…

But, why my Stag…

Any Stag, but my Stag…

Lord, please bring him to life…

Lord, I can’t live without him…

I will die….

Death…

These would have been the sad yet enlightening truths Cyparissus would have been contemplating while hugging onto the now cold body of his best friend, and praying to the God he believes in.

Nothing new under the Sun

Apollo, who was considered the national divinity of the Greeks, Apollo has been recognized as a god of archery, music and dance, truth and prophecy, healing and diseases, the Sun and light, poetry, and more.

It is said Cyparissus was Appolo’s most favoured. This would have been for his heart, and playfulness. When his heart was broken, Apollo would have been sad. But, he would have known that this is where Cyparissus will be born again, to rise up to him.

– Nim –

P.S: I give up… There is no such thing as stereotypical male brain!

Yet another one of my attempts to understand stereo typical male brain…

Having been told that I’m different using many different words by my fellow schoolmates, then having realised indeed I’m a lil different, and then having been reenforcing that belief and attracting such experiences, I am keen to find out what is so different about what “real men” do…

Passenger to my left on the train to Frankfurt appears to be straight and kinda alpha….. I mean I don’t know how to check this, but I kinda felt his Alpha-ness 💁‍♂️. He is spreading himself comfortably in his seat, quite cute actually. So relaxed. Picking on his nose 🤦‍♂️, while panick stricken me is now pressing myself against the train wall… Not wanting to accidentally touch him…

Of course I had a sneaky look as he appears to be physically larger than me… Which is appealing… I didn’t go into further details, the presence itself was sufficient to make me write a blog post 💁‍♂️

So in an attempt to understand him, I’m looking at his phone.

He is shopping…

Entire time on the train he is online shopping….

So why do we always talk about female’s obsession with shopping 💁‍♂️

Naaawwww….

Children’s toys!!! He is shopping for Children’s toys…

This is so cute!

💥🔥😘😍🤩

🤗🤗🤗

But then again, this is what I used to do for my nephew, when money wasn’t much in my way 💁‍♂️

So #WTF 🙆‍♂️

P.S: I give up… There is no such thing as stereotypical male brain!

– Nim –

A Digital Human Expression – Appreciation of Digital Art of Vera Molna

While holidaying in Switzerland, I decided to step into the Museum of Digital Art, Zürich. For my luck, they were exhibiting Vera Molnar’s creations.

Once again, I didn’t know who Vera Molnar was until yesterday, Tuesday, the 3rd September 2019. The gorgeous girl who gave me a guided tour made a fake annoyed face when I said this to her.

Vera Molnár (born 1924) is a French media artist of Hungarian origin. She is considered a pioneer of computer art.

Wikipedia

What inspired me apart from her Art

Vera Molnar is said to be 95 years old now, and she had started digital art about 60 years ago, with a device similar to below, with just basic electronic signals being sent to the device.

Of course this picture is a modern looking device, and probably not what she used, but hope you get the message

This was even before computers 💁‍♂️

Isn’t she awesome!!

And I was impressed by her lover’s interest in her art, where he spent time trying to understand what catches her eye, what inspired her, and what she considered beautiful.

Last but not least, I was told she got into art upon a heartbreaking break-up with a former lover.

I can so relate to this!!! 🤦‍♂️

How I saw her through her art

I was told that Vera Molnar loved to start off simple, but then to disturb the simplicity or break the rules. What I observed is, when the series of disturbances are exhibited together they tell us a beautiful story about the human mind.

Let me dive into the below series of her art.

Top left hand side corner is the piece of art she started off with.

This piece of art resembles the human mind and belief systems of a new born baby. Very structured and simple. Very simple needs and beliefs. I feel it has more feeling than emotions.

Then she gradually “disturbed” with slight disturbances.

This to me feels like the human mind adding various beliefs to itself, one at a time. Slowly loosing our original authentic self. But still resembles the “Child-like nature”

At some point the disturbances made the original form completely dissapear.

This to me says a story about how our beliefs change into a disturbed confusing mess! We can’t see any patterns. Of course the journey was beautiful, but the end product is not so pretty. It almost resembles a depressed state. Clouded!

Then she removes layer by layer of inc.

This to me resembles when One becomes aware of their mind. How one now attempts to be responsible, and look into all beliefs one at a time, and removing unnecessary, unhelpful mind patterns

Final product is quite different to the one she began with. Not so structured, but more Beautiful.

For me this resembles clarity, and authenticity. One can not erase their memories, and the past. But they learn from it. They grow. They become at peace with who they’ve become and they thank their journey.

The exact point when the disturbances go out of control

My lovely guide and I was having a lovely conversation about the below piece of work.

She mentioned:

I never can see the exact point when it starts to get messy.

I of course had to bring it back to the human beliefs. I believe this happens when a child goes through huge hormonal shifts.

Their Body says one thing.

Their Beliefs have no information about what the body says.

Their Parents say another thing.

Their teachers say yet another thing.

Their Friends say many other things.

Their society, social networks say a lot more!

I feel like the child is confusingly layering various contradicting thoughts, beliefs, and mind patterns here. And that unmanaged disturbed collection of mind patterns is what we call Adults. And they rule the world!

Lovely! 🤦‍♂️

It doesn’t mean all adults are like this. But it would be best if adults become somewhat self aware and somewhat emotionally intelligent before they became parents, teachers, or leaders.

My Thanks

Dear Vera Molnar,

It was an absolute blessing to see you through your art. We may never meet, but I feel like we already have.

I loved the below pieces of art as they capture the first letter of the first name of my mother and myself.

Thank you so much for your hard work and expressions.

Love you,

– Nim –

Thank You Switzerland

It is a beautiful and sunny day here in Zürich Switzerland, on this Wednesday, 4th September 2019. I feel rather heavy hearted, and am experiencing complicated and mixed emotions. I guess my holidays are over and I am getting ready to leave tomorrow.

Thank You

I would like to extend my thanks to Switzerland, it’s government, and people. I felt very safe in this country, and mostly at home. People have been mostly very friendly and hospitable.

I would also like to thank the Swiss Government for opening your doors to people from my home country, Sri Lanka, who did not feel at home in their own country during 1980s. Thank you for looking after them, and doing the best job you can do to give them a home. These words of mine do not do sufficient justice to the gratefulness I feel in my heart.

🙏🙏🙏

Immigrants and Refugees

When I attended the FrontEnd Conference Zürich, I was blessed enough to meet an immigrant, who has been living here for a few years, who cannot go back to his home land. He mentioned that the Swiss Government is looking after him, and he has also been blessed to find work finally after 2 years. He looked rather lonely, and his words captured so much pain that I went rather down to the depths of despair. He was thankful for what he has today, but he is lonely, that I felt. He was really sad, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was depressed as well.

I was lonely as an immigrant in Australia the first couple of years. I was severely depressed and had to seek counselling and had a life coach for about first 5 years.

When one belongs to a minority, they already have negative beliefs captured around it. So even the slightest negative expression from majority would make an almost dramatic negative impact to the one from minority. Although this should be understood by everyone, I feel the majority can attempt to be a little more considerate in their human expression.

For an example,

If we invite a guest to our house, because they are homeless, provide them food and shelter, but not friendship, love, care, or include in a family like atmosphere, although they have shelter for their body, they don’t have shelter for their mind. Humans thrive to be loved, to be included, to belong. Although we are on a race for material things, on a sad day, it’s not a toy that makes us happy, it’s a hug or a friend who takes care of us.

So, as Swiss Citizens, although I do thank you for everything you’ve already done for your immigrants, I can see that you can improve. So maybe I’ll be hopeful about it.

LGBTIQ Community

I have spoken to quite a few Swiss Citizens who belong to LGBTIQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transgender, Intersex, Questioning) community, and of course a lot of “Straight” people.

One thing was evident, it’s all a bit of a

“Don’t ask, Don’t tell”

affair!

I am so confused and really sad. Switzerland is such an amazingly advanced country. I can’t even think of an industry or a field you are not way ahead when compared to the rest of the world. And I can see the government invests a lot in taking care of people.

In my opinion taking care is not just clean water, good public transport, good retirement, etc.

Taking care is providing equality, emotional safety, a feeling of belonging.

The people of LGBTIQ community live freely, but it was evident that they are second class citizens.

So once again, Swiss Citizens, I thank you for doing the best job you know how to do, but pardon me for noticing areas of growth.

I Love You Switzerland!

I hope we meet again!

🙏

– Nim –

A Bartender, Has to be Tender – A Thank You Note

Introduction

Below is a little thank you note I wrote after going to Barometer Bar in Zürich, Switzerland. I went there on a quiet Sunday night and had close interactions with Bartender Toby, and a two fellow customers sitting either side of me (Stefan and Stefan).Then I also met some others and spoke with them, but by that stage Alcohol was making me forget a lot more than usual 🤦‍♂️

Thank You Note

A Bartender
Has to be Truly Tender
Not just around a Bar
Where Humans Change
From Sober to Drunk
But Around Humans!
In General!

Thank you Toby!

For Making me Feel like I’m Something..
For Knowing me enough to surprise me a lot…
For Allowing me to be me
For Letting me know it’s home time, the way you knew how to

I just hope I didn’t make you tired!
Tired to be Entertaining ME!

Thank you Stefan!

For getting to know me,
and taking me to safety,
and texting me to meet me..

😘😜🤦‍♂️💁‍♂️

Hospitality….
Is how you make One Feel!

Make one feel Special…
Make one feel They Belong!
Make one feel They are Not Alone!

What Happened Next

I got too drunk!
I got too emotional!
I got too tired!
I got too late to come home!
I got too late to wake up!

I missed the fucking train to Milano, Italy!! 💁‍♂️

So here I am in my hotel in Zürich, when I should have been in Italy 4 hours ago, writing this blog post 🙆‍♂️

Photo Blog – Barometer Bar

Nim –

#barometer #tobythebartender #bar #zürich #switzerland

If one has to laugh at another’s human expression

If one has to laugh at another’s human expression,

Let it be
How they roll their eyes
How they speak their heart
How they sway their body
How they show their hair
How they wear their clothing

The one who laughs,
is still too busy judging another
is still too busy looking out
is still not much looking in
is still finding themselves

Lost in another’s world,
To be able to find their own,

Human Experience
and
Human Expression!