Having my foundation human mind programming in Sri Lanka, I wonder, whether it is because Sri Lanka is a poor country, that people look at “Glamour”, “Glits”, “Wealth” as non-spiritual and “showy”. I suppose even the western world may find variations of these “rules” about good, bad, and ugly.
Although I see this bias in me, and i have managed to remove any judgements on others, I still struggle with judgements on myself.
Lust… Now that is a big one.
I feel like most people deem lust as some hell bound sin.
Desire for flesh!
I do admire some boys and men with lustful eyes. Due to my personal psychological barriers, or some other social or personal circumstances, I may not necessarily act on it or communicate my interest. That unmet needs do get accumulated and creep up on me as “longing” and “craving”.
Whether I only look at someone with lustful eyes for a second, or in my mind almost taste their touch, or I use a healthy or unhealthy strategy to give me some relief, I tend to drown in shame, and guilt.
Last night I hired a rent boy. A 31 year old hot Brazilian.
I am single, and currently having severe psychological barriers to going on dates, expressing my needs in a club or online app in a socially acceptable and healthy manner. One of the strategies recommended by my Psychologist is to hire someone to attempt to quieten my mind chatter and experience feeling desired, wanted, and free to express myself. Last night was one such occasion.
I enjoyed every bit of my time. It was lust, it was sexual desire, it was getting lost in a frenzy for a little while. It was his youth, his body, his smile, his smell, his cheeky-ness, and most importantly him playing along with me slowly figuring out each other’s needs, wants, and boundaries. And once done, he bid me adieu and that was that.
Apart from the financial expense I incurred , there was no harm done. He is helping me to build confidence, and break my beliefs about defectiveness and undesirability. I am helping him with finances.
I happened to notice how loud he was during our act of sex, and thought crossed my mind that my neighbours would hear him. I neither had voyeuristic desires, nor felt as ashamed as i have done in similar experiences before. I told myself how normal sexual expression is and navigated my focus to my desire for flesh
I definitely didn’t feel as ashamed as living in my fantasy while intoxicated. And it felt good to have a “partner in crime”.
Most things in life are like holding a tiger by it’s tail. Most lead to having expectations, attachments, and addiction, which in turn leads to suffering and pain. I understand sexual desire is no different.
But, I can’t deny my thoughts, and feelings. My inner child needs my unconditional, love that has no judgement. Seeking to have my needs met in a healthy and acceptable manner cannot be wrong!
Enlightened or not, Hell bound or loved by God, I feel the need to be held, loved, desired, and appreciate beauty the way I have been programmed to see thus far.
– Nim –
A Moment with Nim! 