I was in my own world
Me, my mom, my friend, and her son
When I ran towards you, being cautious of my unwell back, carrying the kid’s ball, rushing to show him the meeting spot so that he could have a play…
I was indeed in my own world.
I look up to the kid, smile, and wave to signal him our meeting point so that he could have a play.
There you were looking beautiful, sexy, and confident
Looking at me laughing as a group of five.
Maybe you found me amusing.
Perhaps you found me funny.
Who knows, it could even be complimenting me.
But it looked like,
You were insulting me!
Was it the way I ran?
Was it the colorful ball?
Was it the way I held that ball?
I would never know
But I thank you,
For presenting me an object to meditate
I heard my thoughts about self-worth.
I listened to my thoughts about your worth.
They clearly said yours was more than mine!
But, I also told myself;
These are only thoughts!
If you really did laugh at me,
If you really did insult me…
I hope you felt good.
I hope you got the entertainment you seek.
It’s a little sad and hurtful, you know!
But, I hope it made you feel good.
I knew how I had the potential to make this food for the “egoic story of my life,” that “poor little me story”…
So “Stop Nim!” I told myself
That life was only at school.
Now you’re grown-up.
So I came back to what I could control
Not you, but me, myself, and I!
So I come back to now, leaving you in the past!
– Nim –
(Nimeshe Dilraj Madanayake)
Note from the author:
I visited my friend and her son in a park today (Yarraville, VIC, Australia). A group of five (three boys and two girls) clearly found something funny about me. I was a little hurt, I must admit. Especially since I had had 3 hours of therapy yesterday and quite a heavy night afterward. I had to bring to the mix that this could be my own imagination. But, to add to the mix, it was just like my school days, although now I’m 41 years old. My mom, who walked behind me, saw and heard them having a good time on my account. (Me and my effeminate nature was the object of “good time” for some or most of my fellow schoolmates over 3 decades ago during my school life).
So to love them and my hurting self, I share this writing with the world with a picture of them in the background.