About an hour ago I overheard my mother refer to a well known politician’s name. It amazed me to observe some random memory from about two decades ago drawn into my memory referring to that politician.
It was when my mother had admired the same politician with one of her relatives, and in response all they said was:
Yes. But he is Gay.
At the time although my immediate family knew I was gay. They, themselves were struggling to come to terms with this piece of information, especially in a culture that condemned homosexuality in both social and legal systems. So I remember thinking to myself:
So, it doesn’t matter how much I achieve in life, I will always be a failure in other’s eyes, and an embarrassment to my family.
This incident happened roughly two decades ago. The minute my mom referred to that name, I remembered it like yesterday. So how powerful this memory must be. It’s like the first hit in my memory’s search engine.
I wish these records were deleted or somehow i manage to overwrite each and every memory like this with a statement that says:
This is false information.
Today, I am single, and 41 years of age, I have huge amounts of low self worth, I have huge amounts of body image issues, I am ashamed of sexual expression, I have to be drunk or under the influence of other substances to comfortably approach “sex”, even drugs don’t work anymore as shame has re-built it’s power, I have “weird” / “stupid” ways of handling myself, I take therapy with a psychologist, and I am mostly afraid of men/boys, but on the other side attracted to them, I feel like they are some strange breed, I don’t know how to go out on a date, I don’t know how to communicate when I find someone attractive, I can’t navigate myself around “my own community”, when I see a “man”/”boy” even from a far walking towards me when Im walking alone I get hugely self conscious and my mind is racing and strategizing how to respond, I have to be in some form of meditation to “calm me down”, I’m afraid to think of them as physically attractive, I judge my own thoughts, and the list of brokenness goes on. And trust me I keep digging further. Its like I somehow find ways to further make a fool of myself or make my entire family ashamed to even say they are related to me. Its like a natural wiring.
I know it’s a spiritual journey and a healing journey.
I know I have to practice mindfulness.
I know I have years of beliefs to “re-wire”.
I know I have weaknesses.
But, I can’t stop wishing:
I hope they understand what they did to me! I hope they understand.
– Nim –