This morning for my “reading of the day,” I watched a couple of Youtube videos from The School of Life. One of them had the title “What if I never find true love?”. A question I had asked myself and still do during some lonely nights. Not to mention the video ends with a scene where the “I” in the video had died, and on their tomb says, “They never found love.”
Yep. Not the most incredible way to start the day!!!
So I started to think. Would I, too, have it written on my tombstone? Would I, too, feel that way? Jeez, I’m already forty-one years old, and the longest relationship I’ve had is like a 3-month stint. Although, in my mind, one came 14 years with me, and another came 6 years, physically, I’ve had such short relationships.
No! I did find love! How dare they write that sh** on my tombstone!!
I am beginning to remember the little glimpses of romances I’ve experienced and what those made me feel at the time… Yes, they didn’t stay, or I didn’t try.
But didn’t I have blissful joy at those moments?
Remembering those romances I’ve had with unique human beings I’ve had from a very young age, younger than what I would like to openly admit. Sometimes the affair was only in my mind.
In fact, it was mainly ONLY in my mind.
Once I recall telling my Psychologist:
I’ve always had a lover in school. Someone would always come home with me, in my mind….
Only if they knew the dramatic relationships, I’ve had with them. Good grief!
But the question remains about my last hours, will I be sad about missing out on love.?
So let me imagine my last hours on this planet by fast forward to an imaginary future state…
Option 1: By that stage, if I have a lover by my side, I’d be sad to leave them… I would wonder how they’d cope without me… Then I’ll soon remember how I need to make up my mind to properly catch “Death” and probably go into a Meditation if possible. Will I be able to calm my mind? The responsibilities, the hurt…
Option 2: By that stage, if I’ve never actually had any lover staying with me for more than two to three months, not dissimilar to today… I’d be sad to know it’s over without ever experiencing this thing called a “family”… But, yet again remember how I must prepare for the next chapter after death, whatever it is, including “nothingness”… Would I be able to relax and ease into death? Will I be too obsessed with hurt or think about what I missed out on.
Of course, there is a third option that death comes by surprise, and in a flash, I’m gone with no time to think. Wouldn’t that be nice?!?
But, I’m a hopeless romantic. I must dramatize even death… So I’d like to exit with a song like “All the lovers by Kylie Minogue.” I might have to change the lyrics a bit…
I would like to practice thanking each and every lover who gave me glimpses of Imaginary or real romantic moments, which made me feel timeless and quickly brought me back to the totality of the moment, where I obsessively focused on a single person and myself…
I can’t say I’ve never loved… I’ve always loved.
I can’t say I’ve never been loved .. I’ve always been loved…
I can’t say I’ve missed out on romance… Because my mind knows what it gets up to…
– Nimeshe –
A Moment with Nim! 