In my early life, I was judged heavily, and I judged in return. I picked sides, and I decided what was good, bad, and ugly. I mean, that was what everyone did. In a way, how else could you avoid getting hurt?
I almost can’t recall all of the judgments made and received in my early life, as I feel like my life restarted in 2015. Whether it was Psychosis, a Spiritual Turn, Self-Identification Neurosis, a Mania, or some form of a Psychological disorder, my ego very quickly jumped on the bandwagon.
So, I harshly judged people around me, the society around me, every crime, and every good deed. Who goes to hell, I decided. I can come up with a million and one excuses for my behavior. But what’s the point when all of the excuses are tightly interwoven. So, I would not burden you with my list of excuses.
But, in no time, I was learning from my own mistakes. Whether it was God or Science; Something larger than my ego came to my rescue. The rescue mission appears to be a teaching. Specially tailored teaching for all my judgments, to see the other side of the coin.
It was like God asked me, “So you think you can judge?”.
So the series of lessons came my way, one after the next. At the end of each lesson, when I saw what I judged as:
“But, I have done that,”
“But, I have thought that” or
“But, I have the potential to do that”;
I was ashamed. I wanted to go back in time and undo my judgments. But I knew I couldn’t. So I started to see the blessing instead. At the end of some lessons, I cried in horror, knowing;
“Dear Lord, but I harshly judged like I was some Swami-Fucking-Boo! I have done wrong. I wish I didn’t judge like that.”
I cannot erase my past. The only way is forward. For a while, I was excited about the lessons. But, there appears to be no end to that as well. I’m getting tired now. I feel like I’ve aged so much in the last six years.
Now when I judge, I also know I can’t.
“I struggle to judge “you” now. Even if you are deemed the worst criminal on the planet, I struggle to judge “you.” I may not understand you, I may not see your side of the coin, and I may even ask God why people do such horrible things. But I can not judge “you” anymore.”
I mean, judgments still happen. It’s such a practiced behavior; I cannot put a stop to it just like that. But, fortunately, the painful lessons also kick in. So, I quickly decide to tell myself,
“I don’t know this, I don’t know “you,” I don’t see “you,”,”I can’t see you.”. So I can’t judge you.”
I have hidden inside cupboards, closed and locked rooms to avoid judgments. Then, I’ve also gone wild out in the open air going, “I can’t do this hiding anymore.” I can’t even stop people closest to me judging others, even when they see my hurt. I can’t even stop me judging myself. But, thanks to the lessons that came my way, I can reconsider when I judge “you”.
We all know that humans are a bit different to animals. We have not seen animals change drastically over-night. But, I’m sure from time to time, we see humans do. The “good” turns bad, and the “bad” turns good. Humans change, and humans can change. So we learn and evolve.
But, we are also on a survival journey. I mean, we can say we are creators, but we all know the toughest of the lot survive. The weaker; mentally, physically, or both, gets chewed up! We do have communities who try and thrive to be kind. But, it ain’t the majority.
I try every day to mind my own business now. I try not to harm another. But, having seen ever-changing humans, I don’t know whether I’d choose “you” or “me” when we meet at a crossroad. I know I have the potential to pick “me.”, which may harm you.
The teacher, whoever it may be, appear to communicate in tough love. Of course, the teacher seems to reward as well, but the tough love fucking hurts. To the point, I feel more broken than ever before. I don’t feel like I have the strength to go through more lessons.
So I ain’t going to judge “you” if I can stop myself. There are two reasons to stop me:
– I know deep down inside that I can’t, as I have the potential to be “you.”
– I’m not too fond of the lesson biting me back. It hurts like hell. And I already have enough on my plate to work with a psychologist for years to come.
Having gone through a lot of pain, my only advice to “you” is to reconsider your judgments, if you can help yourself. Either way, the teacher will pick us up, no one will be left behind.
– Nimeshe –
A Moment with Nim! 