Each of us sings our song called “My Life.” The lyrics, the key, the tune, the melody, only we know. But, we hear harmonies from time to time from the world around us. So we call it “Our Life.” In no time, the lyrics change, and we can’t seem to find “My” (or “Me”) in it.
Did I think of introducing my latest blog post this way while smoking a cigarette sitting on the toilet?
No! I didn’t!
Ah! A glimpse of me in “Our Life”! Or is it a glimpse of ” Life”? Life, where there is no separation between “Me” and “You.”
Just minutes before, I was listening to the song Enough sung by Delta Godrem featuring Gizzle. As usual, in my imagination, I was dancing in perfect rhythm with a stunningly handsome man.
Unlike my imagination, I have been struggling lately. For one, there is no man! But, more importantly, I feel I can not live up to society’s expectations of me. I am ashamed of myself, and I am disappointed with the society for not seeing my effort. I am well aware of my flaws, but I haven’t harmed anyone. So I sometimes feel sad.
My inner voice is not dissimilar to the song’s chorus, where Delta sings like an angel.
“What do I gotta say? How do I gotta pray?
What do I gotta do? tell me
Who do I gotta be? whaddya want from me?
What do I gotta prove?
No matter what I do
I’m not breaking for you, tell me
What do I gotta give, how do I gotta live?
When it’s not enough for you
It’s not enough for you”
Interestingly,
Delta also is the name we call a triangular bit of land between two branches of a river and the ocean. And it is told that the land is in fact created by the mud carried in the river, causing the river to separate, only to meet again in the ocean.
Delta also means the difference or the gap between two quantifiable values.
With all these seperate things, making connections and lighting up in my brain, I heard a very different song today when I heard Delta singing the song’s chorus.
I realized how this delta between “You” and “Me” increased over our life, creating a larger than life delta. From the time our parents or carers showed their disappointment in our “Truth” to the time we “Adult”, it has increased.
So we fight about right and wrong, good and bad, God and Satan, or whatever the difference of opinion. We’ve also learnt to love God, but dislike or fear Satan, love the Buddha, but loathe unenlightened self-identified beings. I mean, had Prince Siddhartha never became enlightened or left the palace, he would have been a rich player who had sex parties almost every night. No one may have written about him, and we may not even have known him, let alone adore him!
So who saw the delta between society’s expectations and my abilities? And should it really be larger than life when it wouldn’t exist without life?
What is the part I play?
Praise I love, blame not so much! If the world adored me, I would have liked it. If the world repulsed me, I would hate it.
It may not be real, but I have experienced the two extreme possibilities in my mind. It f**king felt very real!!
Thus I know, either way, I would have to give “myself” to “you,” and there would be no freedom.
My expectations of acceptance from “You” made me see a a larger than life delta.
“They used to tell me I wasn’t smart enough
Said I’ll never make, I don’t resemble the stars enough
Man, I’m just tryna get my heart to pump
Gave me all every time, guess my all wasn’t enough
They said I talk too much, they talk enough
Told me I should change, but never said what I should change it to
Man, I’m just tryna play the game witchu
So when you gon’ see I’m just me, I ain’t the same as you“
Enough is when we accept the delta; The delta between you and me. Delta between God and Satan. Delta between Gauthama the Buddha and Siddhartha, the prince.
Am I to blame you for the delta? Am I to blame me for the delta? or just like there is no river without mud, did we all create the delta. Does it even matter, when we will see eye to eye when we reach the ocean?
World; Real or not, is in my mind. You; Real or not, is in my mind. Me; Real or not, is in my mind.
Where is God? Where is Satan? Where is Buddha? Where is the unenlightened being?
Can we see the same God? Can we see the same Satan? Can we see the same Buddha? Can we see the same Man?
When, We can’t even see each other?
Am I enough?
Dear God, Am I enough?
Dear God, when will I stop asking you, because I know for certain I am enough?
– Nimeshe –
Enough
Delta Goodrem
They used to tell me I wasn’t smart enough
Said I’ll never make, I don’t resemble the stars enough
Man, I’m just tryna get my heart to pump
Gave me all every time, guess my all wasn’t enough
They said I talk too much, they talk enough
Told me I should change, but never said what I should change it to
Man, I’m just tryna play the game witchu
So when you gon’ see I’m just me, I ain’t the same as you
I just wanna give my all, the rise and fall the works
I just wanna leave my mark upon your heart
The world
What do I gotta say how do I gotta pray
What do I gotta do tell me
Who do I gotta be whaddya want from me
What do I gotta prove
No matter what I do
I’m not breaking for you, tell me
What do I gotta give, how do I gotta live
When it’s not enough for you
It’s not enough for you
Well, my first mistake was tryna please everybody
Only to realise I ain’t need anybody (nobody)
But all I ever wanted was acceptance
Till I accepted myself, now I can check that off my checklist
I am no longer checking for your guest list
Or where I land on your best list
I look at my reflection and it tells me who the best is
So I could never do it like the rest did
I just wanna give my all, the rise and fall the works
I just wanna leave my mark upon your heart
The world
What do I gotta say how do I gotta pray
What do I gotta do tell me
Who do I gotta be whaddya want from me
What do I gotta prove
No matter what I do
I’m not breaking for you, tell me
What do I gotta give, how do I gotta live
When it’s not enough for you
When it’s not enough for you
Let’s go
I know they wanna see me break
I know they’d rather see me fall
And that’s the very reason why
I’ma rise above it all
They used to say I wasn’t strong
Wasn’t going very far
Well, now I’m shining like a star
And I’m screaning all my calls cause you call be back tomorrow
What do I gotta say how do I gotta pray
What do I gotta do tell me
Who do I gotta be whaddya want from me
What do I gotta prove
No matter what I do
I’m not breaking for you, tell me
What do I gotta give, how do I gotta live
(Delta, Gizzle)
When it’s not enough for you
What do I gotta say how do I gotta pray
What do I gotta do tell me
Who do I gotta be whaddya want from me
What do I gotta prove
No matter what I do
I’m not breaking for you, tell me
What do I gotta give, how do I gotta live
When it’s not enough for you
It’s not enough for you
(But it’s enought for me though)
It’s not enough for you
It’s not enough for you
When it’s not enough for you
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Johnny Severin / Vince Pizzinga / Delta Lea Goodrem / Zachary Scott Poor / Glenda R Proby / Ameerah A Roelants
Enough lyrics © Emi April Music Inc., Sony/atv Music Publishing (australia) Pty Lim, Makin’ Grandma Proud Music, Bump Into Genius Music, Poor Brothers Publishing
A Moment with Nim! 