Closing the door on 2020

At the age of 40, I now remember at least 35 or so New Year’s Dawns. Each New Year’s Dawn we try to come up with resolutions, and consider to better ourselves in the New Year. This directly indicates, that we have self-assessed our “performance” in the previous year, and now want to “improve”.

Of course, this in a way is “Good”. But, what about our inner child who screams and cries for a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, and to be heard “You were awesome this year”.

I guess, in that sense, going out on New Year’s Eve for a massive party is probably a good thing. A celebration to end the year.

Although arguably this is yet another day, and many of us probably have routine work or errands to attend to, or even worse, some sickness or family tragedy going on, while the rest of the world celebrate, it is also a good opportunity to draw a line on the sand and say:

“This is a new begininning”

Year 2020, although tore us apart, gave us grief, and killed about 1.8 million human beings around the world, just with a viral flu that caused the world to come to a stand-still, also gave us space for a reality check.

So, what did we learn? I am unsure what “we” learnt, but I can surely speak of “What I learnt”.

My biggest lesson I believe is about self love.

As a child, I’m unsure where it stems from, but I feel like I have thrived on being “seen” good. Of course with time, this has not only been to be seen good, but genuinely be “good”, what ever that means. So I had desperately tried to meet what ever the social standards imposed upon me, by parents, family, teachers, early education, society, and so on. And now with some understanding of the human mind, these standards are merely my own interpretation, and probably not even “TRUE”.

Now at the age of 40, most of the time, I feel like an utter failure, and joke. To fight this feeling back, I more often than not, speak my heart out and do things quite out there, on social media. The more out there my attempts are, I am also flooded with shame.

The last 5 years especially have been a roller coaster ride for me.

But one thing has been evident.

I really don’t love myself. I expect to be loved by others. And when I percieve that I am a joke or a failure in other’s eyes, I tell myself that I am unworthy to live.

Most of my blog readers would know that my blogging journey started with my inability to let go of someone I love. The truth is, this inability to let go of “love” for someone who actually doesn’t have time to give me a call, or text me, or find out how I am doing, is a direct reflection of how much I don’t love myself. This has nothing to do with the so called “lover”. It is about how much time, and worth I give myself.

Of course, my tendency here is to fully blame myself. But, today, the first day of 2021, I will actually take 50% of the blame. I will put 50% back on the society.

Why? Because, the society defines ridiculous standards arounds. Being Gay, being born and raised in Sri Lanka, where it is still illegal to be so, is a clear indicator, that I shouldn’t really feel unworthy, just becasue the society or legal system rejects me. But, this pattern is probably so deeply engraved in me, even when I have come to a country full of acceptance, I have found other areas to be rejected.

The latest shame for me was a couple of singing videos I made and published on all social media. I felt mostly ashamed of publishing them on LinkedIn. Why? So many “Professionals” have told me over the years how various topics are not for LinkedIn.

I am actually quite tired of it. I’m tried to be splitting myself into minature versions, and hiding and showing different aspects to different audiences. I am human, and just like all other humans, I am an idiot and flawed.

I will continue my journey in video making, maybe singing, or even some very naughty, across various platforms. This is my self expression to remove the barriers and walls that I have put around me unnecessarily.

This is my journey in knowing myself.

If the final version I find is utterly silly, childlike, and unprofessional. So be it! Because, the ultimate goal in life for me now, is to love myself.

Others’s love have changed based on what I do, what I say, what I have, what I have not.

So, may year 2021 be the year for me to know myself, and love myself, like Jesus loves a child.

I hope, you as my follower or reader, also loves yourself as much.

– Nim –

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