If you’ve already read my blogs before, and have followed me, you will know the name Lukas. This is the one name, that probably has come up many times in my blogs. Some of my blogs or poems, have been about love. Almost all of them, with maybe a few exceptions, were also about Lukas.
Lukas, if I’m to re-introduce you, was a backpacker holiday maker in Australia. He had arrived in Australia on a 3 month visitor visa from Switzerland early 2015. Nimeshe (me), also known as Nim, had migrated to Melbourne, Australia in 2010, but couldn’t feel at home in Melbourne, so he made multiple attempts to move away from Melbourne to warmer weather. In 2015, he had successfully lived in Sunshine Coast, with a stable job, where people loved him. He had decided to spend his holidays in Melbourne, but decided to drive. It was 28th March 2015, while driving, he saw a hitch-hiker wanting to go south, so he picked him up. This was Lukas. The rest of the journey, upto date is like a dream for Nimeshe.
He loved Lukas a lot. Never has he ever loved someone like this. It was an obsession. He was obsessed about Lukas, and he wanted to marry him, and have a family. But, Lukas changed his mind over time. When Nimeshe broke up, and got hospitalized in the process, later Lukas told him, he was glad it happened. He even told Nimeshe, that had Nimeshe not broken up, he would have broken it up anyway.
But Lukas wanted to have engagement rings before he left. Lukas is the one who wanted to kiss Nimeshe publicly in Brisbane International Airport, on the day he left. So, Nimeshe, didn’t want to hear any of these things, when Lukas kept on saying he just want to be friends. The 8 weeks of romance he experienced, that he has never in his life experienced before, was all he kept going back to. (His first love never gave himself fully to Nimeshe, from day 1 Nimeshe was a second class citizen in his first lover’s world).
Nimeshe didn’t want to believe Lukas doesn’t want him anymore. Nimeshe’s one-track mind, and his obsession, made him go deeper, and deeper into a world of Lukas. But, it was all a mind created dilusion. Because, Lukas didn’t ever love him. Nimeshe had ended up loving some beautiful creation of his, which only existed in his mind.
The journey was good, a kind person came out of it. A person who fights for human rights came out of it. A person who want to represent socially rejected people from all walks of life, came out of it. So the Lukas journey of Nimeshe was not wasted.
But, 5 years of Nimeshe’s life was spend obsessing about one person. Although he has slept with a lot of others during this time, he hasn’t really gotten to know anyone. He mostly knows about himself now, through constant observation, but he doesn’t really know a lot of others.
Now, at the age of 40 he is trying. But it is a daily struggle. Part of him wants a relationship, but part of him is not ready. He is confused. Not to mention, he gets so many messages from people outside of Australia, and whether they tell him or not, he knows they are solely looking for a marriage with an Australian visa holder, to get to Australia. This is probably the way to hurt him most. Because Love is not a joke for him.
Then there are people who declares love straight away, and when he had asked to take things slow, they ended up scolding him and making him feel like he is the worst person they have met.
Then there are people who are just talking to him. These are the easiest bunch to deal with.
But, he met one person, he really liked. This was the trigger to write this blog post. This one person, made him realize how he has the tendency to go from one obsession to another obsession. Part of him wanted it, but part of him was scared.
The person is a really nice person. Nimeshe believes he is a genuine authentic person. Nimeshe believes he is a lovely, kind person. Nimeshe believes, this person is currently going through some personal thing. In fact, he knows it. But, Nimeshe now has been waiting for a couple of days for a reply from him.
He watched himself go from waiting for a message from Lukas, to waiting for a message from this new person he has a crush on. 48 hours later, he is writing this blog post. Nimeshe, hasn’t given up on the crush for the new boy yet. Nimeshe feels it’s unfair to do so. Especially knowing, the last couple of days were significantly emotional days for this new guy.
But, Nimeshe doesn’t want to park his life like this and wait impatiently either. Through this life situation of this guy, he was shown how he parks his life and wait for love. He has done it for 5 years. He wants to be stronger than this. He doesn’t want to repeat the same mistake again. Nimeshe doesn’t want to be the person who is always waiting. All his life he is used to waiting. Waiting for someone. He always manages to escape people who gives him love, to find someone to wait for. His father loved him without a doubt, but was always out of the country. He is used to waiting for him as well. This is a practiced pattern and he doesn’t want it anymore.
Nimeshe deleted Lukas’s number today. Also blocked him. He had also shared his real-time location. (Yep! That was the gravity of obsession). That too was removed. Nimeshe feels even if Lukas comes back, he doesn’t want him. Nimeshe feels, he wants to move on. Even if it means, he has to live the rest of his life alone. Nimeshe can’t live with this imaginary person anymore. Nimeshe can’t live in hope for Lukas to come back anymore. It is too painful, and it is a waste of Nimeshe’s life.
Nimeshe doesn’t want to day dream about the new guy either. It started happening a little bit, and now he is scared. He is scared, he will create yet another imaginary romance, and he will spend another how ever many years alone in his head.
Nimeshe feels stuck, but this blog is how he unties himself.
He is angry, he is sad, he feels he hates Lukas, if not he wants to hate him.
He is angry and wants to hate the two other people who avoided him in the last 3 years. Both of them had claimed they love Nimeshe like a mother, but had nothing to do with him for the last 3 years. Even when Nimeshe was homeless, and had no food to eat, or was struggling to balance doctor’s appointments and making money, they wanted to teach him tough love. Nimeshe’s own mother is not like this. So he wants to hate them too.
Nimeshe, who talks about loving kindness, today wants to hate 3 people, to help him move on. Deep down inside, Nimeshe knows that it is not the path. Hate is never the path.
But that is where Nimeshe is at today. So maybe I’ll let Nimeshe be.
– Nim –