I would be hesitant to claim anything as “My”, as I know, that once this form ends, when I finally die, there is nothing I would take with “Me”, hence there is nothing called “My” or “Mine”.
But, out of many labels I can use to identify with this “form” called Nim or Nimeshe, one of the labels that made me not belong to the rest of the humanity is “Gay” or “Homosexual”.
From not belonging, to wanting to belong, even my relationship with “My” own gay community was quite a different relationship, as most of the time, I felt I don’t even belong there.
But, lately I’ve come to realize, that neither I nor the “Gay community” had stayed the same. We’ve all changed and evolved over time. Nothing I had identified before as “I do belong” or “I don’t belong” hasn’t stayed the same.
So, I have been having this need to walk into my community without judgements, with love and acceptance.
This blog is about an individual and a group who has helped me over the last couple of weeks.
Nim bumps into Pride Tribe
Having begged for love from my former lover, and having improved on “Self Love”, it occurred to me, it is high time, that I let others fully enter my heart. Some of my gay friends, who live in Melbourne, who have looked after me since 2017, appear to embrace life, a lot more than me.
Where do I even start? Getting to know strangers is so difficult. I may not understand them. I may fuck up! I may not be enough! What if no one likes me? What do I do if I don’t agree with someone? It’s all too difficult!
… my usual inner voice was playing games with me.
Based on an invite from one of my friends, who has kept trying to show me a good time, the way he knows, to a Facebook group. I had just started to put myself out there.
Another post for another group, it’s called “Pride Tribe”, a guy named Jarrad, a cutie from the looks of it, had invited anyone to join to a “private group”.
Half scared, I clicked the “Join” button. Of course, there were the rules, I skimmed over, thinking “Yeah… yeah… yeah..”. and here I was.
Me, being someone who appear to have more life experience at the age of 40, meet Jarrad, who I later got to know to be in his late twenties, who appear to have a lot more passion, and courage. I almost envied it. Part of me wanted to be him, but part of me wanted his attention.
What makes this the Pride Tribe
First couple of days, I felt some people were a little unwelcoming to some others. It was when someone had decided, this group was not meant for “Hook ups”.
I was quite vocal about it. I mentioned (not in exact words):
If we call us Pride Tribe, we need to welcome the lonely boys. If we don’t want a hoook-up, we can always ignore. This is different people’s way of getting to know one another. How can we call us Pride Tribe, if we don’t welcome different self expressions.
Of course, I did the usual “storming out of the room”, which no one saw, because it was a “Virtual storming out” . But the next thing I know, Jarrad has posted a poll in the group. Asking people to vote if they like members to do “hook-up posts” or not.
In that moment, I felt so blessed, that someone has heard my heart. And they were doing the right thing. Asking the members.
And I felt like a princess!!!
I have managed to get the attention of the Admin himself!!
LOL!!! (Yes!! I am very childish … most times!!!)
A few different times, I wrote to Jarrad, the community was now growing. I was almost wondering how a single Admin can keep up with moderating all members who come from various walks of life.
This man, messaged me from time to time personally, asking If I am doing ok. I believe he saw that I was giving a genuine try, and I was struggling.
Of course, we have now chat to each other privately a few times, some good talk and some naughty talk, but overall he is focused on growing this community.
I personally don’t know what his end goal is, but I’m quite happy to see his passion.
Now we have a few Admins, and a group chat.
So if I am to thank the group, let me first thank Jarrad, and his fellow Admins, for working hard to keep the group “Mild on Rules”, but “Respectful to Majority”.
My Request to The Pride Tribers
My conversations with the group has been quite different:
- Serious and personal topics
- Naughty and sexual topics
- Lifestyle topics
- Looking for friendships and relationships
Most of my time there was during evenings, just before bed time, or early morning, as soon as I’ve woken up. Mostly, I’ve had fun.
But today, I had my Life Coaching session with my life coach, Louise Kennedy. I told her that sometimes I feel disoriented walking into the group. Especially, since there are new members by the minute.
Louise asked me one question:
What do you love from these new interactrions? What does your heart love?
Below my dear Pride Tribers, is what I got as what I love to do with you..
I would love some friends, some companions, to show me the community, show me what you get upto.
I want some kind guidance into your world, the world that I had once rejected claiming I don’t belong, although I had a few friends to show me, and convince differently.
But now I have 1000s of you.. So
I would love a gentle invite from you, into your world.
After all, we were all once “rejects” of the society.
I want to know all my rejected family.
– Nim –
P.S: Thanks heaps Jarrad Ryan and the Admin Group