For sometime now, I have been observing myself do below:
- When I write a blog post, I read it a few times, after posting it. I also check on how many views it has got. If it has got any views, while checking their distribution, I read it again. By the time, I’m done with the article, I’ve probably read it around 10 times.
- The same goes for the few videos I’ve done. Except this one that I got recorded while doing it for work. Even that I watched it twice.
- Same goes for everything I’ve spoken during the day. I “think” about it a few times a day. The conversation, goes through my head a fair few times. If it was in a high emotional state, it goes through my head more times.
For a while, I thought this was “Self Obsession”. I’ve even seen Social Media posts claiming this to be a form of “Self Obsession”.
In a way, it is. I can’t deny that. But, this is also how I improve.
Thinking usually refers to thinking about the past, or thinking about the future, which is what most spiritual teachers say “Not Present”.
But, if one is present about the thinking, which Eckhart Tolle also have mentioned, is a form of presense, then you observe your mind chatter. Which is better than, thinking without knowing you are thinking.
I feel, thinking about the past, in a way is not as bad as thinking about the future.
Why? If our future depends on our thoughts, words, or deeds, of our past, it is most certainly better to focus on the past, not to change it, but to “re-read” our own notes, to consider improvements to our future words or deeds.
I’m going to call it “Retrosective Thinking” from now on.
As per my understanding of Buddhist Scriptures taught by some of the teachers, “thinking” or “thoughts” which is a form of energy, can “spin the wheel” a bit more. Which also I can’t deny.
If I bring to mind some of my past experiences, lets say something that triggered anger, thinking about it, gives it more momentum, if and only if, I am justifying myself, and my anger.
However, we can also can divert that energy.
We can retrospectively, responsibly look at the part we played.
This is where one needs to carefully place the “observer” aspect to be unbiased. Sometimes, thoughts try to convince us that it is the “observer”, where as it is “Objective Mind”. Which is also ok, as long as we know it is “Objective Mind”. Then we continue to watch the show still. We will notice, multiple “Characters” pop-up as “thought objects”, presenting facts.
The observer, if we are true to ourselves, will soon realise the “truth”. which doesn’t give it more momentum, it reduces it.
This morning, I remembered some things about my university life, I remembered my hear. I cried a lot, because I had forgotten how I used to be able to love. How little expectations I had of others. I felt sad about my self.
Feeling sad about myself or a little “Pity Party” as I used to call it, also can go two ways:
A spiral downwards, or depression, (I’m very farmiliar with this one), OR, once again, using Observer carefully placed in the unbiased place, we can bring about “Self Love” instead of “Self Pity”. This morning, I managed to bring about “Self Love”. I wrote a basic structure for a blog post, but it’s a lot to write, so I will write it another day. For now, I think this blog post does the job.
I hope what I have written makes sense. It would be great if I get constructive feedback or questions.
I used to say:
A good student asks a good question. Then the teacher has to “reconsider all knowing” to answer. Then, when the teacher answers, both the teacher and studen both gets to a “new level” of a knowing or wisdom.
I still believe this to be very true. So send some love my way.
– Nim –