A song I sang to myself in 2013 – I won’t give up

Jason Mraz’s song I won’t give up, helped me love myself in 2013, when I could not see beauty at all.

I lived in St Kilda, and hung around the gay Sex On Premises venue, Wet on Wellington. During this time I saw so many Hot boys bloody skilled at what they do, but I felt so ugly about myself, so could not make a move comfortably. Even when someone made a move, I would be completely frozen and the boys would probably go I can’t be fucked with this house brick. No matter how much I noticed this, I couldn’t change it except on a few occasions.

This is why I always looked forward to Sundays at Wet on Wellington. All the fuck hormones were spent fucking 100s or waiting in a corner feeling sad, and people just spoke to one another. And I wasn’t uncomfortable anymore.

I met two guys in 2013, we hung out with a another lovely boy like me, Danny who lived in Lilydale. Once this tall handsome guy (who’s name I can’t remember, but came to Danny’s once) was directly making a connection with me while being in the Sauna. I was so afraid.. so fucking afraid… How any moment they’d decide I am not enough. This energy would have turned him off, so he gave up even before trying.

On such days, Jason Mraz’s song, where in my mind, I would spilt into two, and one Nimeshe is singing to the sad Nimeshe, I won’t give up.

When Lukas made his move, the same story went through my head. My hand was already on his quite blessed you know what, and I was panicing that he’d do the same thing most guys at Wet did to me. But instead he appeared that he couldn’t even notice any problem. I mean, we weren’t on drugs or Viagra to go 3 times in the space of couple of hours.

Is it wrong to love the one guy who made me feel like a king and a queen at the same time, and making me feel so comfortable, I would initiate completely “outside the norm kinky shit” and he has no clue what’s coming. Never ever made me feel anything less than a completely horny boy playing with his man. If things didn’t workout, we would just giggle away, and still be in each other’s embrace.

Of course I got the strength to move mountains. It has never happened before.

– Nim –

Jason Mraz – I won’t give up

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking upAnd when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find’Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give upI don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not
And who I amI won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I’m still looking upWell, I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough (I am tough) he knows (I am loved)
We got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

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