Note: These notes were my way of telling myself and calming my thoughts. I have erased names to the best of ability. If a name has slipped through I’m so sorry, it’s an editing error. I don’t have an editor.
A COVID Depression Note – before I knew COVID was this serious
So here we are again, saying how much you don’t like yourself. Lets try to do the most logical thing. Lets create a list. A list of things you don’t like about yourself, and a list of things you do like about your self.
What do I like about myself?
1. The fact that I am honest, and hate to lie.
2. The fact that I feel another’s pain as if it was my own. But this also can be painful.
3. The fact that I try to be kind.
4. The fact that I try to cultivate loving kindness for others. Even, when I feel other thoughts, the fact that I want to work on them.
What do I not like about myself?
1. I don’t think I am lovable as it is, I feel like I have to be something or do something to be liked. I then somehow manage to do something that is opposite, so that I am unloved anyway.
2. I tend to focus on the dislikes, and criticism.
3. I am extremely hard on myself. Then I let go.
4. I feel like I’m a public joke
5. I feel like I’m an embarrasment for another. (People will be embarrased to call me their friends, family, or a workplace colleage)
6. I hate my looks (again!)
7. I feel like I can’t keep up with the world. I feel stupid. When I appear to know something, it is difficult to apply it.
8. I feel like there are expecations imposed on be by myself and others. Somehow, I am expected to “fix myself” without my environment changing at all. I’m both sad and angry about this. I feel frustrated. I feel unsupported. I feel like I have mostly no one that I can rely on. Just simply feel comfortable with. A 100% comfortable. I have no one.
9. Everytime I am on a good cycle, I tend to drop into a trench all of a sudden.
10. I both love and hate the way I was obsessed about Lukas. I would have loved it, if it took me somewhere. I know it took me somewhere, but that place is a lot lonelier that the so called completely identified state. I don’t even have freedom to think. Here I am, not knowing. I haven’t felt this bad in a very long time. And the worst part of this whole thing is when I am happy and bouncy, there are a million people to smile with me and talk to me. When I am sad, not many. When I have done things I promised myself i’ll try not to do, there is no one. It’s unfair to say no one, there are people, but i am struggling to make a connection. I feel it stems from some past fear or something. I don’t know anymore. i can’t have friendships let alone a relationship.
I feel horribly lonely. Not to mention, I also feel like I’m being laughed at, or criticised. It’s all about someone else’s lesson about “what not to be” without any insight into inside. Without anyone offering a solid foundation, anyone considering even the little good i do, it’s always about what I am not.
It has always been like that. I wish I was dead!
A day I was angry, with family at home, and family at work!
Nim, you don’t have to decide on this now. This is just emotion. The message here is whether you communicate or not. If you are the right person for them to come to they will come to you, not because you have the best goods, but because you have the right goods for them.
Continue to write, continue to post on social media, continue to send if you feel the need to.
Writing can be just on Social Media.
Besides if the tech is so advanced that data platforms can in fact pick up my thoughts, as I suspected, the the talk is already given. The lesson is already given, you’ve already given your blessings, while being blessed.
Write, talk, and all you want to do, because you feel the need. There is no right and wrong.
Relatives, probably give them space. 5 years you’ve banged on their doors.
Except [NAME_ERASED], no one really bothered to learn from you. So if you feel send to her. No one else. The 99 step logic doesn’t only apply to [NAME_ERASED]. It should apply to family as well. Equality. Inclusive for self. Respect the effort you’ve put in. Let them take a step towards you, if it’s right for them to do so. When given free, there is no value. Especially for family.
[NAME_ERASED] is another one you can send to. You trusted her from the first phone call with her. Not because you can trust her. But your gut knows something. Leave it at that.
A therapy session by self to self – or could be something I wrote while listening to Eckhart.. who knows
The present moment <> The present moment’s life situation
Why?
The present moment cannot have a “life” situation. The instance you say “life situation”, we draw in past and future of “I”.
What my relationship is with the present moment?
My mind chatter ad in a perception layer, which means I derive judgements from experiences of the past and forecast my future. Thereby not be in the moment.
The only place you ever encounter the future or the past again is in your head.
Any emotional accumulations of reactive mind and body patterns are also experienced in the present moment.
“Technology’s Contributions to Our Presence”
Everytime I am unhappy, it reflects that I am rejecting the present moment, the form in which the present moment had come in. Thus, I would feel the need to reject it.
If someone says something I don’t agree with, that also is the “is-ness of the now”. This moment, someone is saying something. That is that.
If anything needs to be changed about the “is-ness”, when we embrace the moment “yes to the moment” doesn’t reflect that we say “yes, you are right”.
We can say “I don’t agree with you.” That is that!.
Right action arises out of embracing the present moment.
Internal “yes” to the present moment can be expressed as a external “No”.
The point is the present moment is the present moment including its form. Whether we accept it or not. Accepting the present moment and its form taken requires less energy, and is in alignment with totality of the universe provides you the energy, so that it doesn’t drain you.
Nim broke the promise he made to Mom – He was upset
What is really going on?
I’m dissapointed in myself.
Somehow, I can see the same dissapointment in other’s.
Maybe untrue, but I see it.
I don’t feel like I have a purpose.
I don’t feel like I have any value.
I don’t feel like I have anything to offer.
With no purpose, no value, or no offering, I find life very tiring.
The more I “believe” people either dislike some of my actions or dislike me overall, the more I want to make me more unlovable.
I have gone down this road long ago.
I wish I knew the starting point.
I know when I went to [NAME_ERASED] first time after holidays and let my hair down, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, dissapointed, and everything else.
I want to let myself be. Let it be who ever it wants to be. Let myself enjoy life.
I want others to let myself be. But, maybe they already are. Maybe just like Lukas’s love for me, I am imagining every thing.
I have to stop imagining or thinking about the “halabaloo” that started in 2017 and continued.
If I havent been told, then it’s as good as I don’t know.
If I am that evil or wrong, or Satan himself, I know I will be punished.
I hope if not others, or myself, at least God can see my heart.
If I hurt anyone through my body, speech, or mind, I am sorry.
A Moment with Nim! 