Wanting so badly to be good…

Earliest memories of mine was filled with love from others and recognition as a “good child”. As a child, I always managed to bow down to my elders, whether family, friends, or teachers. It didn’t mean I agreed with them all the time, I just didn’t show them my disapproval of some of their words and deeds.

This wanting to be good addiction, slowly crept into my work life, as well into friendships I had decided to make a long term connection (e.g. my best friend’s families).

As you already know, wanting to be good, and being actually good (what ever that means), are two different things. This “good boy” fascade wouldn’t have been too bad, had people just recognised me and simply moved on.

Nope, they had to recognise and make me do more work to be good 🤦‍♂️

E.g. “Oh Nimeshe would help this”

So my “pattern” generally goes:
1. Nim meets someone and is forced to like them or Nim actually really likes them.
2. Nim goes out of the way to help them, and provides extra attention to their requirements / needing for help.(This stems from genuine desire to help, as well as “good boy” marketing.
3. Nim then gets overwhelmed and tired. This would result in Nim showing different emotions / less friendly nature.
OR/AND
3. The group or individual suddenly decides Nim is the worst person they met (Well, generally, something relatively smaller, but given the track record the friendship seem to be shaken quite a bit)
4. Nim feels really sad and feels like it’s the end of the world.

I’ve experienced this pattern with family,  friendships, and work related relationships.

I am forty years old now. Considering the personality that I had when I was schooling, I definitely have given most things a go. I feel like I’ve lived a full life. If I have more time here, there are plenty of things to see, and achieve

At least for the last 3-4 years, my life also has been like an open book.  So open that It’s painful sometimes, when I feel I can’t hide with my naughty life. I sometimes wish I could do something with me, myself, and I (and God of course). But, that too is training for Non-Self. And most of the time, I have either created an unpleasant situation or misunderstand other as laughing at me, hate me, etc.

Everytime, I have some time for myself, especially if i haven’t managed to “score” a suitable partner in crime, I tend to question my behaviour, my worth, I judge my promiscuity and what ever else, and feel embarassed. But, as far as I know I haven’t harmed anyone or hurt anyone.

Yet, I do persue lusts of the flesh, and intoxicate myself. The more time I spend observing others enjoying each other’s “flesh”, the more I feel the need to ask “why is this a sin”?

Of course, the body and the chemicals that runs the show would eventually slow down, and there is definitely more to life and love, than sex. But sex is a beautiful thing.

But why is sex deemed such a dirty thing, when the act of sex between consenting parties is a total appriciation of God’s creation, human body. And the consenting parties may decide to “explore”, which also gets further labels… Lol…

And to think I really wanted to be a good person. How on earth did I fuck up this badly!?!? 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

I no longer want to be a good person. I neither do wish to seek so called “Enlightenment”. 

I want to be someone who tries everyday to love themselves, and others. I’d rather give the world love, even when I am angry, tired, upset, and cannot understand another’s thoughts, words, or deeds. I may fail, and I may even come across quite “unkind”, but I will try to master one thing.

To Love!

– Nim –

P.S: A note that is longer than the original blog post 🤦‍♂️


One of my former teacher’s who was assessing my level of Enlightenment (over a text in response to something I said), who said I am going the opposite direction of Enlightenment (the assessment was base on my promiscuity and desire for body bliss) , quite confidentially,…

I’d like to say….

“What ever I found from within, was when I was cornered with heartache and pain, with no place else to go. When I had written over my happiness to another and he had gone. It opened up aspects of my mind, and thinking changed. If that “crazy episode” was even a doorway for Enlightenment, trust me it was an accident.i wasn’t trying to become a non-returner or buy a place in heaven. I was a party boy, who had finally fallen in love, dealing with the painful possibility of not spending the rest of my life with that lover. I was just dealing with my sadness with the help of my mother and aunt.

From that “Crazy Episode”, I was more focussing on helping the world through helping myself.  From the first day of the crazy findings, I have been confused about who the teacher is and who the student is. I am aware that quite complex theories about science, and spirituality comes through me, but even that the pattern is, when it comes through me first, that’s the theory, and I am yet to practically learn it. So once again, ability to remember a lot of details and ability to see a gap in their (like a stab in the dark). Nothing fancy. As I have to fuck up and painfully learn the theory, that I apparently spoke of!!! Few times I had gone, “Fuck world peace”, or “I’m going to just live my life silently”… But there is something about doing something for the world, it is always appealing, So, I meet the crazy versions of me again…

I always assume the student role, that’s how I have lived life, navigated my way around work, once learnt how psych wards work, and once helped setup a monastery. This must be a gift from God, as this personality suits one who plans to gift their life as a lesson. What the lesson is we will only know once I’m dead.

The good news is, I’m definitely helping. May not be as much as some great leaders, but considering how I lived my first 35 years of life, I’m doing some food work.

Bad news is, I’m definitely incapable of following anything  else but my heart. So I may not live upto some people’s standards. I hope I could live upto majority standards or can deliver a my messages as heart to heart lessons to a considerable amount of people (and other beings).

So, forgive me for my promiscuity, and indulgence in pleasing my body. Maybe one day, I may only need to bother/arouse one individual. Try not to focus on my only weaknesses, instead maybe appreciate the slow, but steady walk.

I am aware that my not so great information, pictures, and videos…. are probably accessible to more people than I originally planned for. I mean, hidden profiles never worked. I just felt safe like an Ostrich ducking the head in the sand. This probably is uncomfortable for my family, but once again, I didn’t plan for any of this. Besides, naked pictures aren’t a crime. And what ever it is you have found out about me, I am definitely not the first person, the only person, or the last person who has waked down that road.

I bought this Adult toy that is called Lovense. It’s this online remote way of chasing lust for flesh. 💁‍♂️ Of course I feel the need to go to a gym and fix my body now, as if no one has seen the fat body …

3 Comments

  1. I know this vicious cycle of trying to be good for the approval of others and just having them raise the bar of what it takes to please them. They are using the service of someone else to make them feel good. This is why it’s not just “Sex is beautiful! What’s the harm?” Sex without a commitment is using someone for personal pleasure. And when there is no commitment you are really just endlessly raising the bar. Failing to commit to someone while taking sex can in the end push them to the place where they need to be committed to an asylum. No harm? Really? Giving sex to someone who has not committed to you is playing that “how can I please you” game that never ends. It might be sex but it is no longer beautiful. It’s as ugly as the obese person who needs to be lifted out of their house with a crane. Sex is eating and commitment is exercising. Both are vital.

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    1. Thanks Melanie. But, someone who knows this cycle inside out, who doesn’t have a commited partner, meeting another who doesn’t have a committed partner, is also a commitment. Thus, it is a lot more beautiful than watching someone else go through it, and waiting for them to suffer. It is no different to meeting someone in the supermarket and smile at them. Because, waiting for someone else to be smiling to make one happy is equally “UGLY” if I use the same words used. For once if humans realize each and every move of ours, have us and another as purpose, and don’t condesend the one desire that brought us to this form sexual desire. It is beautiful, when you stop to comminicate your body needs, met and be thankful. It’s beautiful. Humans, who think it’s UGLY, makes this world an UGLY place to live.

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