How to love yourself – An accidental five year intensive lesson

One of the “Swami-Boo” or “Wanky” statements thrown around by great leaders of the world is;

You need to love yourself.

However, not many of those leaders have given you a show and tell.

Not many of those leaders, reveal their deepest darkest secrets, and bottled up trauma.

Accidentally a clown appeared, to make the world laugh, feel digusted, doubt, believe, and love….

Although a clown, he is a genuine good heart. Dumb enough to always think that others always knew what they spoke of, and they always knew better than himself.

It has been a good ride for the Clown. He is probably happy to continue being the clown, as he knows, even when the world is angry or disgusted, something about him, make the world watch him. Even if some of them are waiting for him to fail to have the last laugh.

It isn’t easy… He always felt the less of the person, especially when it came to dating. So he avoided the sexiest or dream partner material hunks…

Then comes an accident.

He meets this guy… Good looks of this guy would have been the driving force for him to run the opposite direction. But he couldn’t help but see the best human being behind the sexy look.

He very well remember one of the first nights, after he has decided and declare love, the accident was on top of him taking a ride. He remember seeing the smile, and his muscles of his body contract and relax.

Oh my god, he is so sexy. How on earth did I land him?

So he spends the time he was given collecting those moments that highlighted the awesome humanness that lives under the skin of the breath taking good look.

The kindness, listening skills, peaceful nature, and ability to navigatie around difficult people and situations, and his ability to charm an angry uncontrollable elephant like human being, not with weapons but with love, the sexy inside were the God sent lessons, that made him feel like less of a human, but made him fall even more deeper in love.

Fortunately the God sent  clown came with a growth mindset. So he had committed to learn the art of living  and loving…

Five years he believed the accidental hot human lover had skills he couldn’t dream of having. And this greater lover somehow rescued him ..

Instead of calling the main actor “Clown”, I’m going to call him the Hero. So let this writing also be an accidental lesson of self love. The Clown can be the Hero!!!

In 2017, I had a Buddhist Monk as a visitor of my house. He stayed in my house for 5 days. I treated him with a lot of love and respect. I also tested myself around him. I used methods to get me into emotional states that forced me into obsessively focus on desire, and watched myself navigate.  Amazingly, I not only controlled my desire, I managed to sit down with the monk and discuss deep spiritual topics.

On one such day I was admiring his wealth of knowledge and wisdom. His reply to me was:

But Nim, you are the one who see this. So you are the one having the knowledge and wisdom. It may not be true about me

I understood it and always applied that principle in my normal human interactions,where I always have a “healthy doubt” about where people are at.

Today, 5th of October 2020, I realised how this principle also applies to my love for this human who only gave a physically intimate relationship of 8 weeks.

Everything I saw as unique, kind, and beautiful human traits were witnessed and observed by myself. These may not be true about the lover.

So unknowingly, I had fallen in love with my own internal character or heart.

That heart, would be a kind soul.

That heart would not let his lover take a resilience test by himself for five years, stupidly believing that there was a price at the end of the test, being the lover himself.

That heart would do everything in their power to be with them physically.

That heart would be ready to time travel if possible to make sure his lover is safe.

That heart would love his lover like a child, like a sibbling, like a parent.

That heart belongs to me. I loved like that. My inner child deserve to be loved like that.

So I try once again, to let go of that one person out of 7.8 billion people I had focussed on for the last five years.

When I have held the responsibility of managing people, I haven’t let my team drown and fight on their own I have always been by their side, making sure they are supported. of course I have scolded them, and even warned how I would fire them if there was a next time.not only I stayed back to help him out, I got the entire team to make him feel loved.

Being a lover is a leadership role manging one’s self, the person one is drawn to, and managing expectations using clear communication.

So from this day forward, I choose to love myself as much as l loved my former lover.

As I left a box of various tokens that I ha collected that reminded me of how I hoped he would be “The One” along with some books in the nearby footy oval, let this be my prayer:

Dear God,

Please make me always be grateful enough of myself to always love myself, through good,bad,and ugly times.

Please make my former lover learn lessons through my journey, and make him become a true lover to his lover

Please make me compromise, respect my future lover, but make me remember, to respect and love myself.

When you finally decide to send a lover to me, please make us love each others body, speech, and mind without conditions, and the state each other is in a given point in time

Please make me always be kind to all beings

Please love and take care of my former lover.

Please love and take care of that individual who, even for a moment, stole my heart, every day for a while.

Please love and take care of my future lover,  and make him unafraid of loving me like a parent, sibling, and a child.

Most importantly, make me love myself enough to see that new lover as a gift from you and love his everything.

– Nim –

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