Earlier this year, I enrolled and followed Eckhart Tolle’s “Conscious Manifestation” online course delivered by SoundsTrue platform, and I also started to coach with Louise Kennedy.
Both Spiritual teachers spoke of the “Power of Presence”, and both spoke about “Conscious Manifestation”… So I worked with Louise to come up with a bunch of choices I’d like to manifest.
Yesterday was my fortnightly coaching session with Louise. I told her:
Louise, all of my choices I can be grateful for, I can pray as if I already have. But, how can I be grateful for the partner choice, when I don’t know what it is like. The two partners I can be grateful for is my mother, and you (I had shared a house with Louise and her at the time teenage son from 2014-2015). But both of which are not ideal situation. I like to create a male partner. I want to create a family, and maybe potentially have or adopt a child. So this partner choice I don’t believe at all when I read. The only proper love I had was for Lukas, but that only really lasted 8 weeks.
Ok… Ok .. we will do it then, but I’m telling you this will be a bit of a roler coaster ride.
Trust me it was … I can’t remember crying that much in any of my coaching or counseling sessions.
It brought up childhood issues about being bullied and cornered in school. The worst part as I confessed to Louise was:
How can I forgive them, when they too were children and they didn’t know what they were doing?
The biggest lesson that came out of it was to love myself. The biggest barrier I have to having a partner is that I believe I am “Rejected by the Masculine” which stems from my school life experiences of being bullied for over 10 years continuously every day.
So long story short, I’m fucked!
I am attracted to masculine energy, but I subconsciously believe I’m unlovable and rejected by the masculine.
So it’s like “Holding the tiger by the tail”
Louise gave me a lot of love and a lot of tips. I felt that she too ended the session quite heavy hearted.
I was a mess after the session. I scolded my mother for no good reason, I scolded a monk who was preaching on TV (Mom was watching), I hated the world, and I wished I was dead.
Please take me. Please take me tonight. Please take Mom with me. I don’t want both of us to suffer. This is shit. I have nothing more to offer to the world, and nothing more to see. Both Mom and I have suffered enough. I can’t live alone anymore. I am so lonely. I can’t do this anymore….
….. My continuous prayer while crying…. While showering and trying to fall asleep. I did one exercise Louise had asked me, but it didn’t seem to help. My heart literally felt like the weeks after Lukas left me. I literally felt I may actually die… The only difference, I was actually ok with it this time.
Good morning… Oh the sky is blue… It seems like a lovely day…. Why am I so tired? Oh there is a lovely bird…
…. My usual morning talking to self… I had forgotten that I struggled the night before and was praying to God to take me…. Dear Lord once again didn’t accept my request. So here I was talking to myself.
But life had to go normal. I had to go to work (online of course – Thanks to COViD no human interaction), who gives a damn about a 40 year old unmarried man talking about loneliness, bills has to be paid, projects has to run, smiles has to be shown….
I don’t know how I did it, but today generally went well ..
I survived the loneliness battle!
– Nim –