An apology through the beautiful pain in understanding another

It is beginning to be a common understanding in this day and age that one’s view of the world is most likely significantly different to another’s view of the “same world”.

But, going deeper and deeper into the different views that could potentially exist, which gives an understanding into another’s world, that one previously didn’t have, thus may have judged, is a beautiful, yet painful experience.

This blog post is my way of extending an open apology to those who I have judged harshly, directly or indirectly, in thoughts or words.

Yes! Karma is a B**ch!

But that B**ch is probably the most powerful education system created by nature itself!

I have been writing little snippets for a while, but the blogging journey started late 2017.

My earlier blog posts were very raw, harsh, and unrefined. I was quick to judge and jump to conclusions. Maybe it was because, I was enjoying a high level of self-confidence for the first time in a long time. But the truth is, I probably didn’t know how to handle it, and my ego would have jumped on the ride.

It doesn’t mean there were no elements of truth in the words that came through me. I’m sure there were some nuggets of gold somewhere there.

But one probably was put off by the outer coverings!! Hence, chances of reacting instead of receiving was higher.

So message captured had more tendency to be returned to sender!! 🤦‍♂️

My initial understanding of Repentance was more related to actions like lying, tricking, stealing, etc.. I’m sure the word is valid there as well.

But, the more painful yet peaceful process of Repentance happened for me when I had judged harshly someone else’s actions.

Repentance is the activity of reviewing one’s actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs, which is accompanied by commitment to change for the better. 

Wikipedia

When I saw aspects that I harshly judged before, within myself as well, maybe just as a seed of thought that wasn’t acted upon, my first response was to judge myself harshly. I was ashamed to have seen those aspects even if they were in thoughts. I was more embarrassed that I had judged others or preached, when I had the same core or programming as them.

But going deeper into understanding myself, I had no choice but to forgive myself.

Everytime this process kicks in, it is a painful process. More often than not, I end up crying. The shame, embarassment, and guilt rushes in. And then feeling sorry for myself and others I judged before.

But, the beauty of it is, you can fall in love with yourself a little more, and you can forgive others who you previously thought as “wrong” or “wronged you”. There is room for much more love.

I feel THAT love, is much closer to God’s love than any other definition of it.

Especially more than the one where he waits until we die and send us to hell!

This doesn’t mean I want to now lie, cheat, or what ever else. In fact, it’s the opposite, I have become more concious of my thoughts, words, and deeds. The added benefit is I have more tolerance or forgiveness, for other’s words or deeds.

Am I there yet? Wherever there is!

Of course not!

I still have my naughty moments that come up in the form of various emotions. I try to watch them as they come up.

Sometimes, they do a lot more of a dance than I would like them to. 🤦‍♂️

All in all, I have observed that my thoughts, words, or deeds, have direct consequences.

However, if these are egoistic, or if “I knew not what I was doing”, it’ll further have indirect consequences, that comes in the form of a lesson to learn.

A beautifully painful process that God or Nature gifts me for me to learn!

– Nim –

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