My last destination for my Europian Holiday was Berlin, Germany. While Switzerland had it’s own intention, Berlin for me was to experience the so called “Open Minded Party Scene”. Of course the primary intention that supercedes all other intentions is:
I choose to continue to Learn and Grow, while sharing what I learn with others through the means I know.
So here I am sharing some of my experiences and my perception of those experiences.
The Grand Arrival in Berlin
I was so happy.
I am in Berlin!!! It was in my mind to do for a long time. Here I am!!
I was smiling to myself and very happy. Also to be in the land Ekhart Tolle, my best guru in this life form, comes from is Germany. So I was super excited.
It was getting close to 3pm though, and doing any tours after 8+ hours on trains were off the cards.
Lets just let your hair down, and party, you wanted to experience it. C’mon, history and stuff can wait.
My inner voice was saying.
The Night Unfolds
So I decided to take a break. 20 days I was relatively a good boy, and I had written so much, I felt like a break.
So I try to locate the near by venues that are “My Kind of Venue”.
First Bar I went to was around the corner from my hotel. Had the rainbow flag flying high. It screamed of acceptance.
Staff was friendly, but not many felt friendly. I tried to talk to the guy next to me, and he said he doesn’t speak English.
And there was this vibe, an undercurrent. Everyone was looking at each other, and looking at me and smiling. I didn’t know how to read it. But I didn’t feel comfortable. So had my drink relatively quickly and left.
Of course across the road was another venue, which was closer to what I waned to experience.
Staff was friendly, venue was very small, but cool. I managed to talk to people and have some “fun”. Again little while later, I was at the bar, kinda in my world. Once again, same feeling. I felt the same people who spoke to me, were now clicky. Maybe it was language difficulties. But, it didn’t feel right.
I started talking to people on my infamous apps. And ended up going out to meet someone who is visiting from Spain.
He was extremely nice, hospitable, friendly… But we didn’t really click, and he was very polite about it.
Then I decided to go to this venue that was recommended by an Australian friend, who knew what I was looking for.
I got to the venue in an Uber. Once I got off, it was really difficult to find the place. None of the raving reviews helped.
Fortunately there was another who was looking for the same place, in this dark corner of the world. So, I didn’t feel alone. But now we were lost together. Then another confident soul appeared. He knew the place and asked us to follow. Wonderful guy from New York who has been living here for a while. He helped me with all my requirements and told me where to go, how to enter, and the entire process.
A while later an intoxicated self was surrounded by about 500 other intoxicated hormone driven self’s. This self felt excited, but scared. The low self worth was screaming in one ear, while the excitement and desire screaming in the other. An ego battle started in my head.
At one point I recall being overwhelmed and overpoured with desire and physical bliss. But, at the same time I have now gone into a zone where I wasn’t too aware or concious. What ever I get upto, what ever I do, that is when I do not like it. Even if I am enjoying, I want to enjoy it fully. I couldn’t pay attention. I was distracted. And I was definitely far from present.
I don’t know what I looked like from the outside. But from that point onwards, all I observed was rejection and thoughts and experiences that re-validated low self worth through calling myself undesirable.
Of course there were few people who showed me love and concern:
Are you ok? Would you like some water? You look dehydrated.
But, I didn’t want that did I?
I clearly wanted to re-enforce my beliefs maybe, I kept attracting these other experiences. And that clickyness and smiles were louder and in my face.
I felt like shit. It reminded me of such a party that I went to in Melbourne back in 2013. Part of me was blaming myself for getting myself into this.
Staff was friendly throughout my time there. I left when the party was done.
But, I didn’t give up, I walked 1.5hours back to the hotel, and dropped in to the second venue. I met some good people there. But I was over a lot of it.
I was thinking about my former lover who recommended me of such a venue in Zürich, and clearly he felt good there. He doesn’t love me anymore and he chose his life to be that. And half of me continued to make stories, and other half was like
Shut up Nim!
I was outside in the bar alone with the bartender, one of the people I met inside came out and asked.
Are you ok? Come inside and join us. Everyone is resting and chatting.
He gave me a long hug, and I returned an even longer one.
I don’t mind feeling lonely at home when I’m alone. Or even when I am close to home. I hate it when I feel lonely when I’m surrounded by people. I couldn’t wait for my flight back home.
This was the first time I felt it during my holidays. But this was also the first time I put myself out there in this kind of setup.
I walked back to my hotel questioning my life, my worth, my desirability, my former lover, and my everything.
I slept the entire day Friday.
The first full day in Berlin, I slept.
So this is what I had planned for the last 4 days to recover from potential loss. The loss had happened, I had somewhat recovered, but I put myself down again.
What was I thinking?
Mum called in the evening, as she hadn’t heard from me. I told her the story.
Maybe I should have listened to her. All she asked me was:
Don’t do anything crazy when you are in those countries. Do what ever you like when you are home, in Australia.
I said to her that I can’t promise that in Berlin.
I guess I learnt again.
Expectations are weird.
Most times you don’t meet them. Sometimes God gives you more, sometimes less.
Either way, it is with good intentions, I like to believe.
Had I liked it, I would have spent my entire time in Berlin partying. But now, I didn’t want to put myself in that situation again. Not here. When I’m home, I can manage. Not when I’m so far away, and not knowing anyone.
All in all, it worked out well. My Saturday was great. Await my next blog.
– Nim –