Sometimes I write as a meditation for myself, a way to pace my thoughts and bring them to a structure, so that I can have a closer look. You guessed it, my mind has been doing too much talking lately. A few things in life are not ideal, but the wisdom in me should know that they are all quite “normal” state of affairs. Or as the Buddha puts it, “nature”.
I have been bullied all my school life. Since the age 6 to 19, a continuous song of teasing every aspect of me. Therefore I am no stranger to being in a corner by myself, as even my so called friends switch teams for their own survival. Theoretically, this should have made me stronger against rejection, or group mentality. But, I don’t feel any strength!
Well, there was a time I felt stronger. My university life and most of my career, rejection was a background noise. Bullying was even further to that background noise. Either it didn’t happen, or I chose not to notice it. It was always easier not to notice it as I had a healthy group of friends who admired me. They didn’t specifically know some of the internal struggles I had, but they accepted what ever the ways they got projected.
Coming to Australia of course was a hit. Everything was new. But, my story went on a quite a solid growth phase. So I don’t look at any of that early day pain as a negative experience.
But by 2015, I had created so many things I chose to have. And what it took 4 years to create, I lost within a space of a few days, in June 2015. This episode was quite the topic of confusion and discussion among my close friends and family. Although my overall outcome is positive, in terms of life lessons and spiritual growth, I feel there are some unresolved emotions and unfinished businesses.
In 2017, first time in my career, I felt cornered, bullied, and a joke. There was no point talking about it, no point in analysing it, and definitely no point in playing blame games. For one, I played a part, if not as a joker, as the party who perceived other’s definition of my self to be a joker. When everything is a perception, all of these accusations coming from my self could be just my own madness. As much as it hurts and quite lonely to think that I may be a completely dilutional mess, it is also comforting to know that the cruelty and confusion of the world could potentially be only my imagination. what a relief!
So when someone says or does something, and I am having a negative experience, I must remember that it also is how I experience it and may not necessarily be their vision or intention. For example, there have been moments, when someone says something, sounds positive, but I feel an undertone of an insult, an attempt to make a fool out of me. Although life’s experiences may give you a good guidence to see these clearly, one must remember it’s merely a perception. Until such time, the suspected party admits, everything is a perception within million possibilities. Same thing goes, if I am feeling like cornered, unsupported, and a victim of group mentality. I need to remember that my perception could be wrong. I need to bring in to the equation, all possibilities of misinterpreted perceptions.
Once again the ball is in my court. I have a love-hate relationship with the ball being in my court. Hate it, for obvious reasons, Love it as I have the choice of participation, and direction of next move.
So let’s assume, I am 100% hated and disliked by every possible human being that exists. Let’s imagine, that all of this world thinks I’m a joke (99.9999% probably don’t know I exist, but let’s assume I am popular, but not the way one wants to be popular). Yes it is a pretty bad place to be in, a very lonely place to be in.
But, is it within my control?
My actions and behaviour are within my control. How other’s interpret it is beyond my control.
Is my actual situation, that lead me to do this therapy writing, worse than the worst case scenario imagined?
Of course not. I have a lot of people who love me for everything I am. Few people have let me go from their worlds, but few others have added me. I’m loved!
So is there anything to worry and feel sad about?
Nope. It was all a pity party, that was on a downward spiral.
Is there anything you can do to change?
I can always look at my behaviour that directly impacts others and try to correct myself, if any negative behaviour is understood.
I can try to objectively look at me, from different angles or belief systems and try to understand different perceptions that could be derived by others. So that I can understand potentially negative patterns of my own behaviour.
Most importantly I can try to let me be, and be kind to me. And remember, I am human. I am allowed to fuck up! Nobody is perfect!.
How do you feel now?
Pretty good actually!
– Nim –