Sometime over this weekend, I stumbled upon a random Facebook post by someone I know. Although I know him, there is a lot more to him that I do not know. So I do not know the experience behind his statement.
My immediate reaction to the post was
I hope my former lover doesn’t think that of me…
It was a very helpless feeling as I do not have a way to find out, or stand my ground. Not having much choice, defeat was the clear destination. However, I did not fully, give in to my inner voice.
He may be relieved to not have me in his life,but there is a possibility for the contrary, and for him to miss me.
He may see me as a very needy and possessive person, but there is a possibility for the contrary, or for him to like what he sees in me.
And what ever he sees me as, I have very little influence to change, especially if he has made up his mind.
After all that being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if his memory of me is a negative one…
As I wish I behaved differently…
I wish I begged less for his love
I wish I asked only once about marriage
I wish I was less needy
I wish it was easier to let go…
But, what is done is done…
My behaviour may have pushed him further..
All I know about this for now…
The only other love I had…
I accepted defeat very early
I accepted my position almost at the start
I helped him find the way out of my life
And, I suffered alone 15 long years …
When love appeared again…
I didn’t want to loose
I didn’t want to be pushed over
I unconsciously pushed him out of my life
And, alone was unavoidable in the end
All these experiences blessed me with lessons and wisdom…
But, they did not bless me with a wooden heart…
So I still feel … Love, Hurt, Lonely
And many other things…
So, knowing the love within me is still alive,
I wish he feels good enough to be happy and at peace, irrespective of his definition of me.
– Nim –
