How annoying was my love?

Sometime over this weekend, I stumbled upon a random Facebook post by someone I know. Although I know him, there is a lot more to him that I do not know. So I do not know the experience behind his statement.

My immediate reaction to the post was

I hope my former lover doesn’t think that of me…

It was a very helpless feeling as I do not have a way to find out, or stand my ground. Not having much choice, defeat was the clear destination. However, I did not fully, give in to my inner voice.

He may be relieved to not have me in his life,but there is a possibility for the contrary, and for him to miss me.

He may see me as a very needy and possessive person, but there is a possibility for the contrary, or for him to like what he sees in me.

And what ever he sees me as, I have very little influence to change, especially if he has made up his mind.

After all that being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if his memory of me is a negative one…

As I wish I behaved differently…

I wish I begged less for his love
I wish I asked only once about marriage
I wish I was less needy
I wish it was easier to let go…

But, what is done is done…
My behaviour may have pushed him further..

All I know about this for now…

The only other love I had…

I accepted defeat very early
I accepted my position almost at the start
I helped him find the way out of my life
And, I suffered alone 15 long years …

When love appeared again…

I didn’t want to loose
I didn’t want to be pushed over
I unconsciously pushed him out of my life
And, alone was unavoidable in the end

All these experiences blessed me with lessons and wisdom…
But, they did not bless me with a wooden heart…

So I still feel … Love, Hurt, Lonely
And many other things…

So, knowing the love within me is still alive,

I wish he feels good enough to be happy and at peace, irrespective of his definition of me.

– Nim –

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