From the eyes of hidden “self”

Why did I feel the need to quit life at the age of 6? A bottle of Piriton that only put me to sleep.

Why have I felt a continuous feeling of “This life is not worth living”

Why have I powdered Piriton and Paracetamol with a wooden motar and pistle, but last minute let go of the idea?

Why did I feel it strongly at the age of 15 when I felt deep down inside who I was, only in thought, not in action?

Why did I pray to all God’s to change me, when it was only in thought, not in action?

Why did I pray at Infant Jesus Church?
Why did I pray at St. Anthony’s Church?
Why did I pray at Sacred Heart Church?
Why did I pray at Kāli Kovil?
Why did I pray at Vishnu Kovil?
Why did I pray at Kataragama Devāla?
Why did I see a “Dēvathā Eliya” in Kataragama Kiriwehera?
Why did I pray to all Hindu Gods?
Why did I pray at Muslim Mosque in Kataragama Only to be outside as I wasn’t allowed in?
Why did I pray at Kelaniya?
Why did I pray at Anuradhapura?
Why did I pray at Bellanwila?
Why did I pray at Nugegoda temple?
Why did I do hundreds of Bōdhi Poojā?
Why did I pray to Sathya Sai Bābā?
To change my thoughts, when it wasn’t acted upon?

Why did I attempt suicide again at the age of 24, 3 months from my father’s death?

Why did I attempt suicide again at the age of 32?

Why did I work myself out of a pain, when I lost the love of my life at the age of 35?

Why did I ring the Sales Bell, announcing I received the highest Gift, asking my CEO to send a message of Peace at the age of 35, only to be hospitalised as a crazy person?

Why did I lock myself out of reality and stayed hidden in my imaginary world, under the influence of drugs?

Maybe I was over being unheard
Maybe I was over being unseen
Maybe I was over being unfelt

But,
In your eyes, I’m mentally ill.
In your eyes, I’m an addict.
In your eyes, I’m diluded.
In your eyes, I’m unhappy.
In your eyes, I’m extreme.
In your eyes, I’m an insult to you.

Yet,
Who has to hide about “self”?

He who has to hide, haven’t yet understood “Non-self”!

I have nothing to hide.
But you can’t see me,
As you’re looking at me
From the eyes of hidden “self”!

– Nim –

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.